The Bubbeh
by
Harvey E. Ostroff
A play in one act
Setting: At stage right, A rocker, a side table with a small clock and a telephone and a faded Oriental rug
At Rise:The lights come up on the Bubbeh, She admits to eighty five years. Her white hair has streaks the colour of yellow parchment and is worn in a bun. She has a pretty face with rimless glasses and when she smiles she becomes the archetype of the Yiddish Bubbeh, round, kind, caring. She sits on the rocking chair for a moment surveying the audience. Beside her is her crochet bag with a half finished afghan sticking out.She looks at the clock.
Bubbeh
(The telephone rings)
Seven minutes after eight Harry. You were supposed to call at eight o'clock darling... But don't worry. What's a few minutes more or less to an eighty - five year old woman. After all I'm not going anywhere. I don't have a date with a young man...unless you can call my nightly visits with that cutie Alex Trebek....You know Harry, I think he's Jewish (Whispers) but I'm sure he had a nose job. So. You're all right. Me?...How should I be. My blood pressure is sky high. I cook and nobody comes to eat. So I get aggravated, I throw it away and cook some more. Yesterday I made Chopped liver just the way your Zaideh loved it with the eggs and the grivenes. I put it in front of his place and I imagined that he was eating it. That man, he could pack it away....What do you mean that's why he died of a heart attack? I poisoned my husband. Is that what you are telling me? Never mind. When do I get to see you Mr. big shot? Your brother called long distance every night last week. You're not still seeing that Ann Marie are you?.. Good. If you're lonely that's one thing but don't you marry a---All right! You don't have to shout at me.(Lights fade)
A woman in a high end jogging suit crosses the stage. She is 60 but looks 40. Clara is a realtor with a voracity for getting the job done. At a red light, she stops and dials a cellular . She speaks quickly.
Clara
I hear that you got an A in communications Robby. Great! Lets have some quality time together. Thursday after school (Pulls out a day timer mini computer and starts to enter the appointment) Nope,Thursday's no good. I'm meeting with a client in the afternoon and my book club is reviewing Douglas Coupeland's latest.....Yeah, He's calling it
Whateverland. I can fit you in Sunday morning between 10:00 and 11:00. Lets do brunch. I'll micro the egg substitutes and mix us some power shakes. Strawberry right? Hold on a minute. I have an incoming...Hello. You've got me. Right. that property on 4th ave is ideal. I think we can still do better on the price though. Cut the offer by fifteen.You'll thank me. Right. Gotta run. Ciao. ...Robby baby, I'm sorry. A client. So brunch is okay? Good. Are you still seeing that... (Checks her notebook) Vanessa. Good, good. bring her along. Sure, what's an auntie for? Tell me are you screwing her yet? Don't be embarrassed. Come on Robby. You're almost fifteen. If not now, when?
(Puts the phone away and faces the audience)
Last week my daughter Audra called. She and her partner Helen have adopted a new baby from Guatemala. A girl. The first in the family. They're calling it Lois, after Lois Lane I presume..At least they're not calling it Xena. They faxed me a picture. Cute. On the bottom of the fax, Audra wrote From Baby Lois to Gramma Clara. Give me a fucking break! I will not be a grandmother. Look at me for Christs sake! I exercise for two hours a day. I works my buns off to earn a decent living. I have two lovers and there's a thirty year old schmuck at the office that keeps asking me for a date.No! I will never ever be anybody's grandma.
Bubbeh
Rises from Rocker.
Yes Harry, my bowels are like clockwork. Just a minute Harry. I have to stir the borscht....
(To the audience) Oi! That's the big problem with being eighty seven. Getting up...And sitting down, that's not so good either. When I'm up, I'm fine. I still do all mine own shopping you know. but , I eat like a faigeleh. Faigeleh. A bird. ( whistles) I'm a dying breed speaking a dying language. Anyways, I have no appetite. I can still cook, mind you, but nobody appreciates it any more. "Ma you're still using chicken fat. I told you my cholesterol...." Occasionally, when my grandchildren come by, they graciously accept a few blintzes. I have four grandchildren,nine great-grandchildren and two great-great grandchildren. it's true. I'll show you pictures. (She digs a wallet out of her purse and unfolds one of those vinyl folders with twenty photos.)
These are my children. This is Harry, the doctor ( Whispers) Harry is divorced and... and the cute one with the dimple, that's my Eddie. This is... My Eddie is a clothing manufacturer. Those two are his son Martin's. The one with the cross eyes, she looks like her mother. And these two maideleh are the latest additions to the clan. Marcy, named after Max, and Farrah, They said she was named after a faucet. I don't understand. They call every day. When My Harry calls, He expects a full report. Bowels, bladder, kidneys heart, the whole megilleh. You should have such wonderful children. Oi! I forgot about the phone....( As she turns towards it begins to ring.) He'll wait. He knows I'm here. Where would I go? A ninety year old woman. ( She falters on the way to her chair and, still standing, picks up the telephone.)Yes Harry I'm all right! I just forgot you were waiting...... I'm all right. ( She is out of breath.) I'm all right. but give me a minute. I have to sit down. It's nothing. I'm sure it's nothing. I'm feeling a little bit dizzy ....Oi, Harry, maybe you'd better come over. I don't feel so good. (Hangs up. To herself) I'm all right I'm all right. it's just a dizzy spell.
As she sinks into her chair it is clear something is wrong.
At stage left, Clara is seated behind a desk viewing a computer screen and talking into a speaker phone.
Clara
All right then, if we can remove the subjects by tomorrow then we can close the deal. You are definitely getting the bargain of the century. No. If we start dickering now you're going to lose it. I know I'm working for you. If I weren't working for you, I wouldn't ....pardon?( exasperated) Look, we're talking about a lousy $2000.00 on a $600,000.00 property. Give me a break.....because I know the owners. They'd rather not sell to you if .....All right. All right. I'll try. but don't say that I didn't warn you. ( Dials) Mrs. Johanssen, Barbara. It's Clara Penner. Mr. Wong is being unreasonable but...He won't sign unless you throw in the riding mower.....I told him that. I don't even think that he's planning to cut his own gr.......Yes I ....I told him that too...I told him you'd be angry
and that he was taking a risk and he said that he wouldn't feel right about the deal unless.....Look I'll buy you a new mower. I'll take it out of my commission. ..... It won't cost you a penny......Shit!!!!
( Dials) Mr. Wong. You....Excuse me. I'll call back. ...I'm all right. I'm all right .It's just a dizzy spell.
(Lights up at stage right both women dial and speak as one)
Clara and the Bubbeh.
Hello 911? I'm feeling a bit strange....Dizzy. My chest is hurting and I can't seem to catch my breath.
Blackout
Sound of a siren in the background.
Voice of attendant
We're going to give you some oxygen. Don't worry you're going to be just fine.
(the voice begins to fade) Just fine . Just fine. Just fine. Just fine.
Sound of a heart monitor beeping, a second monitor joins in.
The lights come up on a hospital room. Clara and the Bubbeh are in bed. Both have tubes attached. The Bubbeh is sitting up. Clara is reading the latest Cosmopolitan.
A Nurse, Jocylyn, 25 and perky is closing the door.
Jocylyn
That's quite a family you have Mrs. Birnbaum. I didn't think that we would have room for all of them in here. I know your son. I met him when I was in obstetrics. Oh uh...Mrs. Penner, you're awake. Good. Your daughter phoned to send her apologies. She said something about a thesis defence she couldn't get out of. She left you a complete message on your voice mail in the office. We did get some flowers though. (points to them. There is a decided contrast. Bubbeh's side of the room is overflowing with bouquets.) Aren't they pretty?
Clara
(Smiles and nods) That's Ms. Penner.
Jocylyn
Well then, I'll be back every hour to check up on you two. Be good now.
She exits
Clara
( to herself) God is she perky! I don't think I can stand it.
Bubbeh
Hello darling. It seems that we are going to be roommates for a while. My name is Esther. Esther Birnbaum. Everybody calls me Bubbeh.
Clara
That's nice. (Goes back to her magazine)
Bubbeh
You're a young woman to have heart problems. What are you, fifty-five? You look like you kept your figure pretty good. Where's your husband . I hope you don't mind if I ask. It's only I'm surprised you haven't had any visitors. Myself I buried two. Maxie was the father of all my children..He died of a heart attack. One minute we were eating breakfast., the next (She hits the night-table beside her. ) Boom. Just like that. Morris my second husband. He was a mistake. We were married four months, I was seventy when Max died. I didn't think I would know how to live alone.We weren't even married for three weeks before Morris got sick. Lung cancer. Two packs a day he smoked. I never even missed him. It was too fast. I didn't have time. Now, my children, thanks God, keep me busy. So what about you? Tell me.
Clara
Mrs Birnbaum...Esther. I--
Bubbeh
Bubbeh, please. Call me Bubbeh. It's what I am.
Clara
All right. Bubbeh. I'm not really feeling very sociable. I hope you don't mind.
Bubbeh
Mind? why should I mind? Don't worry about it.
(Pause)
Excuse me for disturbing you. I don't know how to call the nurse and I have to go to the washroom. Do you think maybe you could call her. My son the Doctor says that I am becoming a continent.
Clara
(Laughs) Incontinent Bubbeh. Incontinent.
Bubbeh
( Laughs too) Oi darling. I thought he said a continent. It made some sense. you know, completely surrounded by water.
Clara
I'll get the nurse.
Bubbeh
Thank you dear. You know, if you don't mind me saying so, you have a very pretty laugh. You should use it more.
Clara
I'll get the nurse ( She presses the buzzer)
Bubbeh
So how did a young person like yourself end up with a weak heart.
Clara
If you must know, I'm sixty...sixty -one and I'm--
Bubbeh
You don't say! You look so young. You had a face lift. Never mind. I know . It's none of my business.
(Pause)
Clara
Do you want to know the truth?
Bubbeh
No. Tell me a lie.Do you think I would give away your secrets? Who would I tell? It's just between us seniors. Seniors. you know what they used to call us? Golden agers. Teen age, middle age, old age, gold age...,. Nu? so tell me.
Clara
Actually, today they would say that we are chronologically challenged.
Bubbeh
so tell me...
Clara
After my husband left me, I went to L.A. I decided to have everything tucked and lifted. Everything. ( she sighs) I thought that ....Well, I was in a panic. I walked into this plush office in Beverly Hills and met with the surgeon. He had the cleanest hands I had ever seen. Nails, cuticles, everything was perfect. The oriental carpet under his desk must have cost forty, fifty thousand dollars. He had white shoes on. I'm sure his patients didn't dare to spill a drop of blood.
I kept thinking, " I'm paying for that carpet. " I walked out. I am as God made me, God and Fitness World.... except for my hair colour. I exercise five times a week and I walk for at least an hour every day.
Bubbeh
Good for you. So how'd you end up in here?
(Jocylyn enters)
Jocylyn
How are we all doing today?
Bubbeh
We? Clara and I have just had heart attacks. We are not fine. We are sick. Dying maybe.
Clara
So you do your thing with the charts and the tubes and leave us two golden agers to talk. We have been getting acquainted.
Jocylyn
Well, you don't have to snap at me. This job is tough enough without .... It's not my fault that you two had heart attacks. (pause) And it's not my fault that you're ...you're getting on.
Clara
(Laughing) Getting on. I like that. Getting on. I appreciate your tact Jocylyn. Actually. we're handicapped. Chronologically challenged.
Jocylyn
(Laughs then goes about her business) Mrs Birnbaum, your heart beat is still a bit irregular. Are you feeling all right?
Bubbeh
No darling, I am not all right. It is hard for me to catch my breath. And I have to pee.
Jocylyn
I'll monitor the situation. The doctor will be in to do her rounds in about an hour. I'll send her right in. After that, I won't see you until tomorrow. My shift will be over soon and...then one more shift and I'm getting married. Cynthia Watson will take my place after tomorrow. You'll like her. ( Looks at Clara) She's not nearly as perky as I am. Here's a bedpan Mrs. Birnbaum. ( helps her)
Bubbeh
Thanks darling. (Sound of a bedpan being filled) Oi, that's much better. I'm sorry if I snapped at you. So, youre getting married. Mazel tov. Tell me about this man of yours. He's a good catch? A doctor maybe?
Jocylyn
(nods) A pathologist.
Bubbeh
I don't know what that means.
Clara
He examines dead bodies. He ...
Bubbeh
I guess he doesn't need much of a bedside manner. (They all laugh) So how old are you? You don't even look like you're twenty yet.
Jocylyn
Twenty eight. It's time.
Bubbeh
Twenty eight is not so bad. I was just eighteen. I could tell you stories. ( smiles with the memory) My Maxie a lev sholem, ( May he rest in peace) was. Ach...never mind. So tell me about this corpse doctor of yours.
Jocylyn
He's a forensic scientist.....He's a good guy. I admire him. He treats me right.
Bubbeh
Tell me darling, if you don't mind. How is he in the bedroom?
Jocylyn
Mrs. Birnbaum!! I never thought that...
Bubbeh
I may be old, but I am not so senile that I can't remember. My Maxie was , he was quite a man..
Clara
Tell us.
Bubbeh
In the beginning, three times a night and he never lost interest. Believe it or not ladies, I wasn't always the Bubbeh. At one time I was the prettiest girl in Zhitomir. Maxie was so handsome.... He rode with the Cossacks pretending that he was a gentile and he outrode them all. A strong young man with piercing black eyes on a dark horse. The day he rode into my village, his troop was given orders for their first pogrom.
Jocylyn
I don't understand.
Clara
A cleansing. Before the Nazis tried to obliterate the Jews, there were the Russians and the Poles and the Czechs....
Bubbeh
So, anyways, we were all in a panic. As the troop swept down on us from the hillside. A young man swept me up onto a coal black horse. I was certain I would be raped or worse, kept at their camp as a slave to the men. I cursed my long red hair. It was Max. He whispered. I am a Jew. We rode out of the village and never returned. When we reached the next town, He stopped his horse and gently helped me to dismount. He turned his back as he shed his uniform. I turned away from him and when I turned back, he was wearing peasant clothing. He looked, you should pardon the expression, like a young God. He told me that I would be safe here and that I was free to go. I shook my head no. I was fifteen and I was certain that my whole family was killed in the pogrom. Twenty years later I heard that my younger sister survived.
Clara
How?
Bubbeh
She was ironing when they came into the house and took my mother. They burned her face and broke her back with the iron before they raped and left her for dead. A Christian neighbour heard her sobbing and took her in. She raised her as her own. We tried to bring her across to America. But she was too crippled to make the journey.
Jocylyn
What happened to Maxie?
Bubbeh
He never left my side until the day he died. We sold the horse and came to the new land. Montreal, Canada in America he used to call it. Montreal, Canada in America. (A tear falls and again her breathing becomes laboured.) When I was eighty, my Eddy moved me out here to Vancouver. He said that Montreal was no longer a city that welcomed Jews....He was right. All that Separatist meshugas. Oi! Don't get me started, I shouldn't get aggravated. Only... it was sad to pack up the house. I lived in Montreal, for more than sixty years. Fifty of them in the same house. At the end, I didn't feel welcome there....And my friends...Ach... They were mostly gone anyways. I go back for the high holidays. My Eddy takes me and I stay with his wife Laura's parents in Westmount. I have to leave a stone on Maxie's grave. It wasn't so hard to leave. I was used to it. For thirty years, I left every winter and went to Miami.Now, I am too old. I am happier here with my children and my grandchildren and my great grandchildren. Who else would listen to my stories?
Jocylyn
I would. I never knew my grandma. She died when I was three. I used to envy my friends. You tell great stories. I could listen all day. You could hire yourself out.
Clara
She's right. Have stories will travel. Wire Bubbeh. Vancouver. They are wonderful stories Mrs Birnbaum. Adventure and romance.Unfortunately, I won't have any such stories for my grandchildren. My husband was a flat- out bastard. I married him so I could get out of the house and we stayed married out of habit. You want to hear a story? The instant my boobs began to sag, he was out the door and in the bed of my daughter's best friend. She was fifteen. And he wonders why Audra is gay? Pardon me for saying this but I don't ever want to be old and dependent on my children. I'd rather go quickly and painlessly while I'm still leading an active life. If you want my advice young lady, you'll think carefully before---
Bubbeh
Shah!!! You have a good life sweetheart. Don't let that bitter old woman spoil your wedding. ( Winks at Clara.)
Jocylyn
Look you two. The doctor should be here soon. I've got to finish my rounds before I go off shift. If your breathing gets any worse Mrs. Birnbaum. Press the buzzer. ( She puts it in her hand. Bubbeh takes her arm.)
Bubbeh
I wish you a long and happy life. And many grandchildren to bring you naches in your old age.
Clara
Yeah. Good luck Honey, Sorry about....All the best...
Bubbeh
Just a minute sweetheart, before you go, I'm curious. When we asked you about your fiance´, you said that he was a scientist and that you admired him. That was a strange choice of words. I wonder---
Jocylyn
I don't remember. Is that what I said? Well I guess I love him and I know that he loves me.
Clara
Don't count on it.
Jocylyn
He tells me all the time. He's very romantic. Kinda sweet, too. And I helped him get through med school. We've been together for nearly three years. I'm still living at home. Twenty-eight and I'm still my Mama's little girl. When I want to stay over at David's, I have to lie.
Clara
Grow up! Who's telling you you have to lie?.....Never mind me. I'm just bitter I guess. Have a great life honey.
Jocylyn
Sure, thanks....My mother couldn't handle it if she thought I was sleeping with him.
Clara
You'd be surprised what mothers can handle. ( Muses) You'd be surprised.
Jocylyn
You don't know my mother. She's a Christian with a capital "C." Her heroes are Pat Boone and Pat Buchanan. She still thinks that couples shouldn't even kiss before they get married. The terrible part of the story is that I'm paying for her mistake. She...uh...she got ...she had me when she was seventeen. Married her boyfriend. My dad. They're still together. Three times a week, in the mornings, she and I pray together and then we go jogging. Body and soul time she calls it. Body and soul.If she only knew...Mrs. Birnbaum, I'll tell ya. He's not so great in the sack, but he's learning.
Bubbeh
(Her breathing is quite laboured) Good . Learning is good sweetheart. I think I'll go to sleep.
Jocylyn exits.
Clara
I think I'll try to get some sleep too. Good night Bubbeh.
She is answered by a snore.
The lights dim and the sounds of the hospital grow quiet. It is the next morning. Clara comes out of the washroom and dials her cellular. The Bubbeh is still asleep.
Clara
Audra. How're you doing baby. I didn't wake you did I? Of course. How is the new addition. How's Lois?.... Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you.
God, it's depressing in here. I wanted to say that I'm sorry, I never came to see you after you and Helen. ....What? Yes, I guess I am getting maudlin. Never mind. Me? I'm fine, No. I'm not in denial. ...Not about Lois and not about my health. It's just a minor heart attack. I spoke to the Doctor late last night. I may need some Angioplasty but then I should be fine. Yep. The old roto rooter. They have a new technique. If the arteries have been weakened, they put in a little plastic thingy called a stent. They do it while you're awake and you get to go home the next day..... Oh, thanks for the flowers. ..... Do you think you can make it today?.... Well, don't worry about it. Yah, I'll be fine. Kiss the baby for me.
Look, come when you can. I'd like to see my... Lois. Yah. So long. (Hangs up the phone and puts it away) Shit! ( Looks at the Bubbeh who has awakened ) What are you looking at?...........
(18 of 36 pages)