The Nerd Zone
by
Harvey E. Ostroff
Theme: It's okay to be different.
Setting: Bare stage six drama blocks and two chairs are required
A Narrator is sitting on a stool dl. [ (s)he will remain there throughout the performance.]
Narr: It was an ordinary day in an ordinary town. In a modern bungalow, in a section of town where only the very coolest people lived, the Ice family was getting ready to start their day.
Enter Joe Ice. He is dressed in up-to-date clothing as are all members of his family.
There is no real need to play the age of the characters. They are, after all, symbols rather than people. Joe moves to centre and addresses the audience.
Narr: Joe Ice, the father. He runs a teen dance club for a chain called Happenings and knows what's in and what's out in the music world.
Joe: I'm so cool, I make the snow melt [ Takes two steps and moves into a freeze, looking as cool as can be ].
Enter Slick Ice. He, too, is dressed in the latest fashion.
Narr: His son [ daughter; all roles, with the exception of the parents can be interchanged from male to female and vice versa] Slick. From Hip Hop to Hoops, he knows the score.
Slick: I'm so cool, I never sweat. Even on the hottest day [Takes two steps and moves into a freeze, looking as cool as can be ].
Enter Jazz, a mirror of his brother.
Narr: Jazz, the other Ice teenager is even cooler than Slick.
Jazz: I'm so cool, I freeze the sun. [ Takes two steps and moves into a freeze ].
Enter Roxy.
Narr: Ms. Ice, Roxy , a writer of popular novels, was as cool as all of the others combined.
Roxy: I'm way too cool to tell you how cool I am. [ Freezes ]
Narr: Even the dog, Popsicle, is cool.
Enter Popsicle. The dog, too, is dressed in the latest fashion. It sports a tail and ears and wears sunglasses.
Popsicle: Aaaroooogh!!!! Yah!!
The Six blocks are moved into position for the office scene to form a desk and two chairs are placed in position. A telephone and several file folders are placed on the desk. The boss sits at the desk and puts her feet up.
Narr: On this particular morning, Joe's boss called him into her office.
Boss: Ice!! Come on in here. I got a proposition for you.
Joe: Sure thing boss..s'up?
Boss: You up to a real challenge? I mean a real challenge?
Joe: Give it to me boss. You know I'll come through 'cause I always do.
Boss: I got a bet going with Danny Jive down at the record store. It's a big one. My business against his.
Joe: I like it already.
Boss: We were talkin about this town in Ontario and he said I could never start up one of my operations there. I said that I had just the person to do it.
Joe: And that would be me. Right Boss?...But Ontario?? Canada?....I'll have to think about it. I mean it'll take a couple of months. Six at the least. I'll have to move the family.
Boss: It's worth an extra three thousand a month.
Joe: Yah, but Ontario..
Boss: And a brand new Nissan Pathfinder.
Joe: Yah, but Ontario..
Boss: And when you get back, Executive Vice President in charge of booking concerts.
Joe: Yah, but Ontario..
Boss: It's all set. You leave on Monday. You can drive down in your new car. I got a house rented for you on Knight street corner of Bishop. Now get going...
Joe begins to exit. The family moves off left.
Boss: ... And Ice. Don't let me down.
Joe: Gotcha!! It'll be a piece of cake.
Narr: So Joe went home to tell his family the news.
Joe moves to centre.
Joe: Slick, Jazz, Roxy, c'mere. I got to talk to you.
Slick: S'up Dad.
Joe: Pack your bags. We're moving to Canada right away; a place called Melvinville.
Narr: And he told them all about the new job and all of the extras they would get.
Slick: Not me dad. I got things together here.
Jazz: Hey! Don't sweat it. We're so cool, we could get it together anywhere. We'll have them followin' us in a week. Two weeks and it will be just like old times.
Roxy: I suppose I can write my books anywhere. How long do you think it will take to get the job done?
Joe: Six months. No more.
Narr: [ While the narrator speaks, the Ice family mimes the actions ] And so they packed their bags---
Popsicle: Hey hold on a minute. I have a line here.. [Clears his throat.] Doesn't anybody want to ask me how I feel about moving. Of course not. I'm only the dog. Well I'll tell you anyway. I ain't going. Hey, I've got everything I want here. I know where to bury my bones and where all of the cute poodles live and which fire hydrants I can use for... Well, you know. Anyway. I'm not going.
Narr: So they closed up the house and hit the road in their brand new, fire- engine red, Pathfinder.
Joe: C'mon Popsicle. I've got a new bone for you in the back seat.
Popsicle: [Jumps into the car and they start to move ] Suckered again!
Narr: Little did they know, that they were about to enter.... the Nerd Zone.
The family exits and the stage is bare. The first two nerds enter from left and right, meet at centre.
Clarence : Hey Charlie did you make the team? Did you? Did you? did you? Huh!
Charlie: Yah! I made the team. You should have seen my moves. They were great. I was fast I was loose. It was no problemo. Did you make the team?
Clarence: [ Looking despondant ] Nah. I'm just not good enough.
Charlie: I'll coach you. We'll work out every day after school until you make the team.
Clarence: That's wonderful.Can we start now. I can't wait. I love chess. Check mate. Pawn to Bishop three. Thanks a whole bunch Charlie. You're a good friend and I know that you will be able to teach me so how about it if I--
[ He reaches into his coat ]
Charlie: Are you kidding? Do you want to be late for school?
Clarence: Absolutely not.
They move up stage and freeze. Enter Nerds three and four, again from the extreme left and right and greet each other at centre
Franklin: Guess what? Guess what? Never mind. You'll never guess.
Ellie: I will too. I wanna guess.
Franklin: O.K. try.....But you'll never guess.
Ellie: The world champion croquet tournament is coming to town.
Franklin: Is it? I can hardly wait. When?
Ellie: It was just a guess Franklin. I'll guess again. Today is Lawrence Welk appreciation day.
Franklin: Wow! I'd better go home and get my new tape. Lawrence Welk polkas.[ looks at her ] never mind then, Ill just have to tell you.There's a sale on pocket protectors at the pharmacy. Three for a dollar. Different colours too.
Ellie: Gosh! That's better than any of my guesses. Lets go right now before school starts.
Franklin: Sure. As long as we don't come in late.
They move up stage and freeze. Enter Nerds five and six, again from the extreme left and right and greet each other at centre.
Karl: Hi Shelly ! You know what?
Shelly: Hi Karl . No, what?
Karl: I found some homework on the way to school this morning. And it wasn't finished.
Shelly: [Excited] Is it math?
Karl: Better. It's Algebra.
Shelly: Great! Let's go do it.
They move up stage and freeze. Enter Nerds seven and eight from the extreme left.
Marvin: Look Melvin! There's Wilma. Why don't you ask her out?
Melvin: Gosh. do you really think I should?
Marvin: [ chuckling] Yah, I do.
Melvin: O.K. then. I will.
Marvin: Really?
Melvin: Really.
Enter Nerds nine and ten from the extreme right. Marvin and Melvin stop in their tracks and stare.
Lucy: Look, there's Melvin. Maybe he'll ask you out.
Wilma: Maybe.
Lucy: If he does, will you go.
Wilma: [ Giggling ] I think so.
Marvin and Melvin approach.
Melvin: Hi Wilma.
Wilma: Hi Melvin.
Melvin: [ Gets down on one knee ] Will you ...er would you...I mean could you... um..[ In a hurrey ] Go to the National Geographic exhibit with me tonight?
Wilma: Sure.
Melvin: Really?
Wilma: I'd love to.
Melvin takes her hand and they move upstage.
Marvin: How about you Lucy? Would you like to go too?
Lucy: Why thank you Marvin. I would never miss something like a National Geographic special. I hear that they're going to discuss caterpillar larvae.
Marvin: Wow!
The Mayor of Melvinville enters.
Mayor: Everybody gather round. I have exciting news for you.
Clarence: Wow. It's the Mayor!!
Mayor: A new family is moving into town today. It's the first family to move into Melvinville in nearly ten years and I want you to make them feel welcome. I want you to line the streets and greet them when they come in .They have two teenagers and I want them to be invited to all of the events in town. I want--
Charlie: Where are they going to live, Mr. Mayor Sir?
Mayor: In old Doc Glockners house.
Clarence: Wow! They're going to love it. When are they going to get here?
Mayor: They should arrive any second now.
The Nerds line up upstage to greet the newcomers and wave at them as they drive by. The Ice family and Popsicle mime as if they are driving by and take several turns around the stage while the nerds are lining up. On the last turn, they wave frantically.
Slick: Did you scope the crowd Jazz?
Jazz: Yah, I never saw such a collection o fwimps in my life. I don't know about this move.
Clarence runs after the car and Popsicle barks at him. He falls down in a faint. Slick and Jazz break up laughing. Finally, they arrive at their new home which is an open area at stage right.
Joe: Here we are. Now no complaints. We're here and we got to make the best of it. ( Mimes opening a door ) Your rooms are over there boys.
Slick and Jazz move off to left centre, turn upstage and freeze.
Narr: They were not impressed by Ol' Doc Glockners place. It was a decorators nightmare. Velvet paintings on the walls, orange shag carpets and plaid furniture.
Roxy: When you said we were going to move here, I didn't complain. After all, I can write my novels anywhere, but it's going to be awfully difficult to get inspired . It must have been decorated by Mr. Rogers. I feel like I am living in a comic strip.
Slick and Jazz enter .
Jazz: This is not my idea of heaven dad. Orange wall paper with purple sunflowers and frilly lime green curtains. No way.
Slick: My room's got wallpaper with flamingoes and cute little clowns. Just the thing for an impressionable youth.
Joe: (Getting angry) Now you listen up, All of you. There will be no more whining. Got it? I've got a job to do here and we've got to make friends with these people if I'm going to get it done. The quicker I do it, the quicker we can move back to the city. Remember, if I do a good job here. I get to be the Rock concert booking agent for the Eastern Seaboard. That means you get to meet all of the big groups and go to all the shows.
Slick: All right. I'll give it a try but can you at least put up a basketball hoop in the driveway.
Jazz: Yah. Maybe we can teach these guys how to shoot hoops.
Joe: That's the spirit. First thing in the morning. Now get to bed. You got school tomorrow.
Narr: When the boys got to school the next morning, they found that Melvinville High was unlike any school they had ever known. The students seemed happy to be there.
As the nerds rushed into class. The teacher, Mrs. Twit, was already at her place.
Clarence: ( Entering with Charlie.) Did you do your homework last night?
Charlie: You betcha. And I memorized five poems and I did four extra pages of math.
Clarence: Aw nuts! I only did two extra math pages. You're always showing me up Charlie. Hey we're the first ones again! We can get the front seats. That's three days in a row. ( They each deposit an apple at the teachers desk and go to their seats. )
Wilma: (Arrives with Lucy) Did you watch it? Did you see that program about the Malaysian tree frogs on PBS last night. It was ever so exciting.
Lucy: Nope. I didn't have time. Mother went out to her bridge group and I wanted to surprise her so I cleaned the whole house. I even washed the walls.
Wilma: Your mother doesn't deserve you.
Lucy: Yes she does. She's a wonderful mother. Will you look at that. Clarence and Charlie got the front seats again. ( They deposit their apples and take their seats.)
The rest of the students enter, bring their apples to the teachers desk, take their seats and sit up straight in their desks as they wait for class to begin.
Mrs. Twit: Good mrning class.
Students: Good morning Mrs. Twit.
Mrs. Twit: Is everybody eager to learn today ? Are we all ready to go?
Students: We're ready Mrs. Twit.
Mrs. Twit: Did anybody forget to do their homework?
Students: (Laugh.)
Clarence: I did four extra math pages.
Shelly: I did six.
Franklin: I did twelve. Hah!
Shelly
& Clarence: Show off!
Carence: I memorized a Poem. ( Stands ) If, by Rudyard Kipling. " If you can dream and not make dreams your master...."
Franklin: Oh yah! Well I memorized Martin Luther king's speech. " I have a dream..."
Mrs. Twit: Thats enough class. I would like to get started. And I have a special surprise for you today. We're going to start off with a pop quiz.
Students: (All at once.) Great! I'm ready! I hope it will be tougher than the one we had last week. etc.
Mrs. Twit: Pencils ready. Number one. Name all of the African Nations and list their previous names beside them and the dates when the names changed.
Clarence: That's so easy. Can I name the Presidents and Vice-Presidents as well as their chief exports and...
Mrs. Twit: Just answer the question Clarence.
Slick and Jazz enter.
Slick: (Waves at the students. ) Hey. S'up?
Clarence: Shhhh! We're writing a test.
Jazz: Nice to meet you too.
Mrs. Twit: All right! Pencils down for a moment. It appears as if the two new students we have been expecting have arrived. Would you like to tell us your names and a little bit about yourselves boys? My name is Mrs. Twit.
Slick & Jazz: (Break up laughing) Mrs. Twit. That's a good one.
Mrs. Twit: I see nothing to laugh at boys. Now give me your entry papers and tell the class something about yourselves.
Slick : (Shrugs and he and Jazz come up to the front of the room, turn and face the class. ) Jazz begins a rap percussion beat.) My name is Slick . I'm as cool as Ice.
Jazz: And Jazz is my handle. Now ain't that nice.
Slick&Jazz: And we come from the city that's New York twice. Yah, we come from the place that's New york twice.
Mrs. Twit: Very impressive boys. I hope that you won't find it too dull around here. I'm sorry but all of the front seats are taken. You'll have to go to the back of the room.
Slick: (Sarcastically) Ain't that a tragedy.
Jazz: (Breaks up laughing) Oh woe is I.
Mrs. Twit: Just sit please we're in the middle of a quiz. Now where was I...
Wilma: Question two Mrs. Twit.
Mrs Twit: Thank you Wilma. Question two. Describe the events leading up to the Mau Mau uprising in Kenya.
Slick: Papa ooh Mau Mau, Papa ooh Mau Mau.
Jazz: That's a fifties song. We know lots about music. (Starts to sing ) "In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight."
Slick: A wimowey a wimoway, a wimoway, a wimoway.
Mrs. Twit: Now boys. That's quite enough. Question number three. How many--
Jazz throws a paper airplane at her. The class is shocked into absolute silence.
Mrs Twit: (Madly scribbles a note on a piece of paper.) That is not the way we behave at this school young men. Take this note to the pricipals office immediately.
Jazz: (Saunters up from his desk) Sure thing Mrs. Twit. Anything to get out of this class full of nerds.
Mrs. Twit: ( Almost losing it) Get out!!! ( After a pause she sits down heavily at her desk) I'm afraid I'm too upset to go on class. I'm going to go to the staff room for some warm milk. Wilma. Would you please take over for a while? (She exits wearily.)
Wilma: Of course Mrs. Twit. Question three. ( A bell rings) Aw nuts! recess.
They all exit......
12 of 25 pages